don't ever look back

if there's anything i've learned over the past 2 months- it's to stop looking back, to learn from the mistakes that i've made and to grow and to become a person who doesn't make those mistakes again.  i did my fair share of bad things and i hurt my fair share of people that i really care about- and i will always hate myself for the pain that i've caused in the lives of those i care most about. but at the same time- i miss the way things were, i miss my bestfriend. i miss talking to you, i miss laughing with you, i miss you making me laugh, i miss laughing at you for being your blonde self, i miss you making me cry, i miss you making everything right in the world again, i miss you teasing me until i got angry, just so you could tell me how much you cared to make it all better- i miss everything about you, but most of all, i miss the way you loved me. this whole friend thing is better than i could've expected to get out of all of the hurt and devastation i caused, but it sucks. literally blows. and i hate it. i still have 3 voice mails from you, thus being the reasoning behind this blurb. i made the mistake of listening to them, listening to you and it only brought all of these emotions that i've been trying to subdue and to forget about for so long pulsing forward, slapping me in the face. i miss you, bee. i miss you when you're at work, i miss you when you're at home texting me, i miss you when you're sleeping, i miss you when you're sleeping next to me, i miss you when you're driving here and i miss you most when you're leaving, but- i miss you. i never knew i could miss someone or something so much, even when they're literally pressed up against me. but i do. and i will. always.  i don't want this to be misinterpreted, at all- i am so blessed to have you in my life, still, and for that i will always be thankful. but every day spent being your friend is a constant struggle for me, a daily struggle involving self-hate. i am so grateful for you, my bee, and know that when i tell you that i love you, every night before i go to sleep, i mean it, from the very bottom of this shattered heart of mine. every day that i have you to talk to is a good day, and i thank you for putting up with me and for staying in my life. words cannot do justice how thankful i am to have you in my life, your unwavering support, love and advice means the world to me. i can't wait to be on vacation with you and my family next week :) i love you, bee, i always have and i always will- even if it kills me.

2 more work days till vacation- wooooot. have a good week lovelies :)