i miss you. i miss being happy. i miss the part of me you took when everything ended. i miss having someone to talk to. i miss having someone to believe me; someone to believe in me. i miss feeling like i'm a part of something. i miss feeling accepted. i miss the sense of internal sunshine. i miss how happy the simplest things made me. i miss how beautiful life used to be. i miss who i used to be. i miss who you used to be. i miss my life.
i hate the way things are. i hate the hurt. i hate the tears. i hate the fact that i have to bite my lips to contain these tears. i hate that i lied. i hate that this ugly person became me. i hate not knowing who i am. i hate being your friend. i hate thinking about you with anyone else. i hate goodbyes. i hate watching you leave. i hate knowing that you're moving on and i'm not. i hate your half-ass apologies. i hate that i brought all of this upon myself. i hate that i brought all of this upon you and g and s. i hate how stupid i was. i hate how empty i feel. i hate who i am and the way that my life is. i hate listening to songs with you in the car, singing the lyrics that directly apply to the way that i'm feeling- knowing that you don't care anymore. i hate how i can't focus anymore. i hate that my life feels so empty and meaningless.i hate the crying. i hate the screaming. i hate the nightmares. i hate waking up in the morning thinking you're still mine and realizing you're not. but most of all- i hate myself.
i want the pain to stop. i want you to be able to trust me. i want g and s to be able to trust me and to not hate me. i want to deal with this on my own time and in my own way without all these people pushing themselves on me. i want you in my life- even if you have to be my friend. i want you to be happy. i want you to know that you're loved, every day. i want you to know that i love you, every day. i want you to know that i'll always be here. always. i want to be able to feel again. i want to be myself again. i want the tears to stop. i want the nightmares to stop. i want to stop feeling so empty and lifeless. i want to love myself again. i want to be a better person. i want to be someone my nieces and nephews are proud to look up to. i want to have a better relationship with my sisters- i want my baby sister to look up to me. i want to be proud of myself. i want you to be proud of me. i want you to know how sorry i am. but most of all- i want my sense of normalcy back. i want to be me again. i want to be happy. i want to feel loved. i want to smile and mean it.
love,
mojo
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